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Who Am I by Jyotsna Samal


January,3, 2020ByProwess Publications

Who Am I Really?

I am a woman. Is that my fault? I often ask this question to me when I am alone. Actually, I don’t get a satisfactory answer. Sometimes I feel born as a woman is my grief. When I was a child my mother distinguished between me and my brother. Though he is a son, he gets all privileges. I don’t remember a day, that my brother wants something and my mother did not give him. If I need something then that is optional whether I get it or not. She is not worried at all. Since childhood, I have been taught to adjust and compromise in life because I am a girl.

I remember every little thing my mother said how you can manage in your in-laws home. At that time I didn’t understand what she said. I did all the housework. But, she never asked my brother to do anything. Even he couldn’t bring a glass of water for him. Every little thing if I am mistaken she shouted on me. I was crying. But still, I didn’t understand what was happening. This is the first phase of life. The second phase starts after marriage. After marriage, my husband and in-laws say the same thing. Though I am a woman, I have to adjust everything.
Every day I try to make them happy. I do all the housework. No one helps me. After that, they never appreciated but they are dissatisfied and complained to my mother that I am imperfect. I do not deserve their son. They can get a better bride. My mother calls me and says now that it is your own house. You have to adjust to them. What they want just do it. Try to make them happy. No one understands me. Nobody ever asks about my happiness. Am I happy really? If someday I am sick then that is also my fault. I am trying to pretend. So, I will not do any work.

My own husband asks me what you are doing the whole day. You do nothing just to take rest. Look at me. I am working and earn. You are just enjoying my money. But, they forget the whole day I am working without pay. But, I have never complained. Only because I thought this is my family. It is my duty to make them happy. But, no one bothered about my happiness. Since morning tonight, I have been continually working. But, for them, I am doing nothing. Whole life I worked to make them happy. But, I am worthless. Every time they just complained but never appreciated. But, now I am tired.

Who am I actually? What is my identification? Half of my life has gone to make them happy. At the end of the day what I get it from life? In life, it’s very difficult to satisfy everyone. I feel breathless. Now I want to live for myself. I want to see the dream and fulfill it for the rest of my life. Though I am alone no one supports me. I need to get out of this hell life and do what makes me happy. After all, this is one life. Life is precious. I want to fly.

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